God Will Kill You For Spilling Your Seed

Praise Jesus for dying on the cross, for now I may masturbate without fear of death.

Genesis 38:1-11

And it came about at that time, that Judah departed from his brothers and visited a certain Adullamite, whose name was Hirah.

Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite whose name was Shua; and he took her and went in to her.

So she conceived and bore a son and he named him Er.

Then she conceived again and bore a son and named him Onan.

She bore still another son and named him Shelah; and it was at Chezib that she bore him.

Now Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, and her name was Tamar.

But Er, Judah’s firstborn, was evil in the sight of the Lord, so the Lord took his life.

Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.”

Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother.

But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also.

Then Judah said to his daughter-in-law Tamar, “Remain a widow in your father’s house until my son Shelah grows up”; for he thought, “I am afraid that he too may die like his brothers.” So Tamar went and lived in her father’s house.

Apparently God indiscriminately kills people for pulling out and “being evil”.  Further, it is a man’s duty to impregnate his dead brother’s wife.  Failure to properly blow a load in your dead brother’s wife is a crime punishable by death in the eyes of the Lord.

I was raised in a private Lutheran grade school until the 8th grade, and was then forced to attend confirmation classes.  Out of the thousands of bible lectures I was forced to sit through, I don’t recall them mentioning that I have a duty to impregnate my brother’s wife on the event of his death.

The passage does read a bit odd.  I don’t understand why Onan “knew that the offspring would not be his,” causing him to pull out and blow his load on the ground.  The only way the verse makes sense is if you assume Judah is going to hand over any children to Shelah, who is apparently too young to pork Tamar himself.  In which case, not only is it a man’s duty to impregnate his dead brother’s wife, but it’s also acceptable for grandpa to confiscate any kids that result and hand them over to a different underage son.

Of course, I need not mention that grandpa is the one calling all the shots here in regards to who marries who.  The way the verses read, it doesn’t sound like anyone is volunteering for any of this.

Praise Mao.

Update:  

I was ordered to provide “context” for this insanity, and so I shall.  From Christian Apologetics:

Why did God kill Onan for spilling his seed on the ground? The reason God did this is not because Onan wasted his seed on the ground, but because Onan refused to perform his familial duties of producing offspring for his brother’s. This was a great offense at the time. Now, we must realize that the culture was very different than ours is today. In that culture, when a man died and left no children, the next of kin was sometimes obligated to “go in to” the wife and produce children. These children were then considered to be the descendents of the original late husband and would be raised as such. This way, the offspring would be able to take care of the mother, provide more people for the community, and thereby raise their own children, continuing the name of that family. Onan knew this and refused to take part in furthering the honor and name of the brother’s wife and thereby also risking provision for her in the future. To this, God was very displeased and took Onan’s life.

To which I rebut:

If it was expected of a man to blow a load in his dead brother’s wife, and then raise the kids as if they were his dead brother’s kids, does that mean sex without marriage is permissible in situations where you need to blow a load in your dead brother’s wife today?

Addendum humor:

God orders Ezekiel to lie on his side for 390 days and eat bread baked in human feces as he engages in a mock siege against a clay map of Jerusalem.

http://www.blueletterbible.org/Bible.cfm?b=Eze&c=4&v=1&t=NIV

 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000197020175 Paula Fether

    CONTEXT! If you think OT laws for ISRAEL are offensive, DON’T READ THEM. Fer Pete’s sake! Removing another bitter Bible hater from my news feed.

    • http://www.libertariannews.org/ Michael Suede

      Context?

      What would you like me to add to this story?

      Type up some “context” for me and I’ll add it to the article.

      • charlieprimero

        Really? You are unaware of the contextual differences between the oral legends of pre-historic Egyptian nomadic tribes and web log readers in the twenty-first century?

        I find that difficult to believe.

        • http://www.libertariannews.org/ Michael Suede

          I’m working on correcting my deficiencies in this area.

  • James Clark

    Of course these characters are members of a royal dynasty. You will also find OT stories justifying incest, and the infiltration of foreign royal dynasties with secret usurpers, despite other bible verses prohibiting such things.

    Such stories are of the Patriarchs – the royalty. The entire bible was never meant to be read by the illiterate commoner, only select verses – much of it was supposed to be somewhat esoteric. The Ten Commandments are laws meant to engender public order – to allow the rulers to keep a lid on things. It is evident in many Old Testament stories that Yahweh expects very different behaviour from the royal patriarchs than from the ordinary person.

  • Christian

    This was all before the law was given to the people by Moses.

    • http://www.libertariannews.org/ Michael Suede

      Oh, well then thank god God changed his mind about what constitutes a sin. I guess he made a few mistakes the first time around.

      • Christian

        And God saw that the
        wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of
        the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

        And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. Genesis 6 5-6

  • validatedself

    If you cared to educate yourself on the historical cultural context you would recognize that the action of Er was a very cowardly, malicious neglect of familial responsibility and rightful compassion. It makes little sense to you simply because you observe and opine from a position of ignorance, and you make yourself out to be a fool while doing it in such a public fashion.

    • http://www.libertariannews.org/ Michael Suede

      “”
      If you cared to educate yourself on the historical cultural context you would recognize that the action of Er was a very cowardly, malicious neglect of familial responsibility and rightful compassion.”

      No, it makes little sense that the creator of the universe would kill him for not blowing a load in his dead brothers wife.

      • validatedself

        His concern is for the good of his creation, not laws per se, ancient or modern. It makes perfect sense for the creator of the universe to take the life of a defective creature. What is difficult to comprehend is why he would voluntarily endure the consequences of his creatures’ moral failures in their stead.

      • White Knuckle Driver

        Sounds like the devil at the podium in front of a group of lukewarm Christians.

  • Clint

    Im a Christian.

    Sex outside of marriage does seem to have been permissible, especially early in human history.

    The first man was killed because he was evil. Not incredibly strange. The second man was killed because he had a cultural family obligation to fulfill that he did not. Think of it like this; He didn’t protest having sex with her, just getting her pregnant. So he used her for sex and denied giving her a child which was obviously very important for her to have. He kinda deserved what he got too.