Praise Jesus for dying on the cross, for now I may masturbate without fear of death.
And it came about at that time, that Judah departed from his brothers and visited a certain Adullamite, whose name was Hirah.
Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite whose name was Shua; and he took her and went in to her.
So she conceived and bore a son and he named him Er.
Then she conceived again and bore a son and named him Onan.
She bore still another son and named him Shelah; and it was at Chezib that she bore him.
Now Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, and her name was Tamar.
But Er, Judah’s firstborn, was evil in the sight of the Lord, so the Lord took his life.
Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.”
Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother.
But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also.
Then Judah said to his daughter-in-law Tamar, “Remain a widow in your father’s house until my son Shelah grows up”; for he thought, “I am afraid that he too may die like his brothers.” So Tamar went and lived in her father’s house.
Apparently God indiscriminately kills people for pulling out and “being evil”. Further, it is a man’s duty to impregnate his dead brother’s wife. Failure to properly blow a load in your dead brother’s wife is a crime punishable by death in the eyes of the Lord.
I was raised in a private Lutheran grade school until the 8th grade, and was then forced to attend confirmation classes. Out of the thousands of bible lectures I was forced to sit through, I don’t recall them mentioning that I have a duty to impregnate my brother’s wife on the event of his death.
The passage does read a bit odd. I don’t understand why Onan “knew that the offspring would not be his,” causing him to pull out and blow his load on the ground. The only way the verse makes sense is if you assume Judah is going to hand over any children to Shelah, who is apparently too young to pork Tamar himself. In which case, not only is it a man’s duty to impregnate his dead brother’s wife, but it’s also acceptable for grandpa to confiscate any kids that result and hand them over to a different underage son.
Of course, I need not mention that grandpa is the one calling all the shots here in regards to who marries who. The way the verses read, it doesn’t sound like anyone is volunteering for any of this.
Praise Mao.
Update:
I was ordered to provide “context” for this insanity, and so I shall. From Christian Apologetics:
Why did God kill Onan for spilling his seed on the ground? The reason God did this is not because Onan wasted his seed on the ground, but because Onan refused to perform his familial duties of producing offspring for his brother’s. This was a great offense at the time. Now, we must realize that the culture was very different than ours is today. In that culture, when a man died and left no children, the next of kin was sometimes obligated to “go in to” the wife and produce children. These children were then considered to be the descendents of the original late husband and would be raised as such. This way, the offspring would be able to take care of the mother, provide more people for the community, and thereby raise their own children, continuing the name of that family. Onan knew this and refused to take part in furthering the honor and name of the brother’s wife and thereby also risking provision for her in the future. To this, God was very displeased and took Onan’s life.
To which I rebut:
If it was expected of a man to blow a load in his dead brother’s wife, and then raise the kids as if they were his dead brother’s kids, does that mean sex without marriage is permissible in situations where you need to blow a load in your dead brother’s wife today?
Addendum humor:
God orders Ezekiel to lie on his side for 390 days and eat bread baked in human feces as he engages in a mock siege against a clay map of Jerusalem.
http://www.blueletterbible.org/Bible.cfm?b=Eze&c=4&v=1&t=NIV
