I’ve noticed that this article is a fairly popular piece, so I’ve decided to update it and provide some more body behind my arguments.
TLDR version: “No. A guy’s looks don’t really matter. Looks are only a small part of what creates attraction in a woman. Good looks make building initial attraction easier, but an average looking guy can get an attractive girl by saying and doing the right things. How you act and what you say are far more important than how good you look.”
A little back story on me. I’m a good looking guy. In high school, I was 6’2″ tall, 180 lbs, with a strong jaw line. Today, at 37, I weight in at 195 and I wear size 36 pants. I still look pretty damn good for my age. I’m not exactly David Beckham, but I’m not a slouch either.
A few facts about my dating life:
In high school, I never had a steady girlfriend. In fact, I was utterly abysmal with women. It wouldn’t surprise me if the girls in my class thought I was gay.
I’ve never – ever – had a good looking girl throw herself at me. I’ve been approached by fatties, but never once has a hot girl simply come on to me without me doing anything.
I’ve been on many dates with good looking women that have ended with the girl saying the following: “You are a really nice person, you’re a great story teller, you are interesting to talk to, and I mean look at you, you’re tall, you look great, but I just didn’t feel any chemistry.” I’ve also had plenty of dates that went great or even turned into long term relationships.
Just taking those few facts into account from my own personal life story should disprove this theory that looks are the most important thing to women. If all women really cared about was looks, why didn’t I get laid on all my dates? If it was just about looks, I should have gotten laid on every date I’ve ever been on. I’m here to tell you that good looking guys get shot down by women ALL THE TIME – even by ugly women!
Consider if the situation were reversed. Let’s say you were on a date with a fairly attractive girl. While on this date, the girl says all sorts of things that just turn you off. The girl is racist, has a snotty personality, disrespects the people around her, smokes, drinks excessively, asks stupid questions, etc.. etc.. You decide that this girl is obviously not relationship material. Now lets say it’s the end of the date and this hottie wants to suck you off in the car. How many of you guys are going to say no?
I don’t know a single red blooded male heterosexual who would tell a hot chick that he’s not interested in a BJ because the girl’s personality sucks. Yet virtually EVERY SINGLE GIRL ON THIS PLANET will tell a guy to fuck off she doesn’t find his personality attractive. Girls refer to an attractive personality as having “chemistry” – which doesn’t translate quite the way you think it does. It’s not about how nice or respectable a guy is, nor is it about his looks or his wallet, it’s about how arousing and confident a guy is. A super good looking guy isn’t going to get laid if he’s not confident AND arousing. Confident and arousing = attractive to a woman. An ugly guy who is confident and arousing will be VASTLY more successful with women than a hot guy who fails to be confident and arousing.
The fact that I’ve been shut down on several dates that originated from online dating sites also helps refute this notion that it’s all about looks. If a girl is willing to go out on a date with me from an online dating site, it can be assumed right from the start that she finds me attractive enough to have sex with. My looks aren’t the issue, otherwise she never would have agreed to date me in the first place. If I’m not getting laid from an online date, it can only be because of what I said or how I acted (or what I failed to say or do).
While I’ve been using anecdotes about my own life to make my points, I can guarantee you my experiences are not unique. I’m not a special snowflake. This is universal shit. I will bet anyone my entire life savings that I can find other good looking men with identical experiences.
Now you might say, “you only got those dates in the first place because you were good looking, and then you fucked it up while you were on the date.” – but isn’t this admitting that looks aren’t the most important thing? If looks are the most important thing, as long as I didn’t do or say anything offensive on my dates, I should have gotten laid – right?
You see, my looks may have helped get me the date, but those dates blew up in face because I displayed all sorts of unattractive behaviors. The term “unattractive behavior” flies right over most guys’ heads. Think about how badly a hot girl would have to behave before you would refuse to have sex with her if she was asking for it. - Pretty damn bad; most likely so bad that the police would probably be involved. You might not date her again, but refusing free sex from a hottie? This fact clearly demonstrates that women’s top priority is NOT looks – they don’t think like men, so stop assuming they are into looks the same way guys are, because they aren’t.
I’ve been on dates where the girl flat out tells me she finds me physically attractive and that I have a great personality, but she just didn’t feel the chemistry, so she wasn’t interested in doing anything sexual with me. Contrasting the many dates that I crashed and burned on vs. the many dates that turned out great, a VERY clear pattern emerges – and it has NOTHING to do with my looks.
On successful dates, I always said or did the following:
- Strong eye contact
- Lots of touching from the very beginning. I can’t emphasize this enough. If you’re not touching a girl within the first minute of conversation, you’re doing it wrong. Players with ultra strong verbal game can get away with not touching, but for the rest of us, that’s like fighting with one hand tied behind your back.
- Initial touching should be brushing her arm, then on to holding her arm/hand, then putting your arm around her. Nothing sleazy at first. Tap tap tap, touch touch touch, extended touching, THEN slightly sleazy, like stroking her thigh if things are going good.
- Initially challenging conversation (are your parents still together, do you have a degree, what do you do for a living), then on to sexually arousing conversation. Not sleazy conversion, but arousing conversation.
- Teasing, playful, fun attitude, often expressed through physicality. Jokingly pushing a girl away if she says something that can be misconstrued. Playing footsie under the table. Poking her or bumping her for no reason and then pretending you didn’t. etc.. etc..
- Escalating touching in a public space (like a restaurant booth) to the point of stroking her thigh under the table within a half hour of meeting her for the first time. If you aren’t touching a girl as if she were your girlfriend within a half hour of meeting her, you’re doing it wrong. This does not mean you should be trying to ram your tongue down her throat in a restaurant or club. It means being discreet, yet physically arousing.
- Just being generally arousing, but not obscene or vulgar.
On EVERY DATE that I crashed and burned on, I failed to do most or all of those bullet points. You can talk about completely inane subjects if you’re being physical. If you’re stroking a girl’s thigh and staring into her eyes while talking about your favorite sports team, she’s going to be getting turned on.
Moving on, lets put my personal life aside and look at some other examples instead. Open these links in another browser window to see what I mean.
Disgusting – I mean seriously.
For guys, looks are fairly meaningless until you’re dead, at which point you won’t care anyways. Hugh Hefner is 87. His latest wife, that he married in 2012, is a 27 year old Playmate of the Year. Most guys assume this girl married him for his money, but I highly doubt that. Hefner has been dating ridiculously gorgeous women his whole life. That’s what he does.
If you stripped Hefner of his wealth, he’d still be dating 27 year olds. Does anyone think Crystal Harris couldn’t go out and find herself a good looking millionaire at the drop of hat tomorrow if she chose to? She could have practically any guy she wants, but she chose to marry an 87 year old man with a reputation for philandering. To claim this is about money is an unfair put-down to Harris. It’s yet another excuse men tell themselves to shield their own egos.
I personally only date good looking women, and I have friends that date model gorgeous women on a regular basis. One of them actually worked as a dating coach for a bit. He’s about 5’6″ tall, bald, 36 years old, skinny, missing teeth, unemployed, living in a small condo, and drives a 10 year old Honda with a missing rear bumper. I’ve seen this guy in action. Anyone who claims women are attracted to looks and wealth is smoking crack, because this guy is living proof to the contrary. His personality is so damn cool, his conversations always so fun, and his self-confidence always so high, that women are simply incapable of resisting his charms.
When women run into a guy with the same personality as Hefner, they can’t help but feel attraction for him. Attraction is not a choice. Attraction is not a choice. Attraction is not a choice. The only choice anyone has is whether or not they chose to act on the attraction they feel. Sleeping with someone is a choice, being attracted to them is not.
Now I’m going to backtrack a tiny bit on what I just said. A man’s looks matter to a woman, in as much as they matter to the man who is trying to pick her up. That is to say, if a man believes women find him unattractive, he will be unattractive. His subconscious insecurities will bubble to the surface while he is interacting with her. The hotter the girl is, the faster she’s going to pick up on those subconscious cues of insecurity and reject him. In fact, she’ll probably probe him for insecurities directly just to see if he has genuine self-confidence or if he’s just putting on a show.
For men, every last drop of attractiveness has to come from the inside. It has to come from the core of his very being. If a guy works out for hours every day and diets until he has the body of a Greek god, the very fact that he has such a rocking body might give him a self-confidence boost. However, it is the self-confidence that he gets from his body, NOT his appearance, that ultimately makes him attractive. His buff body is an ego crutch. It’s a fake self-confidence that doesn’t come from having a sense of true self-worth, no matter what he looks like. Strip that guy of his buff body and he’s going to be reduced to a pile of insecure rubble that no woman would want to date. It just takes time or one accident for that to happen.
I often hear women complaining that the whole world is conspiring to push the objectification of women. That the world is to blame for this huge focus on women’s looks over their personalities. Well, ya know what? The whole world is simultaneously conspiring to destroy men’s sense of self-worth.
Girls, ever wonder why most of the guys you meet act like insecure feckless unimaginative losers? Ever wonder why all the guys that hit on you say virtually the same shit? The hot girls know what I’m talking about. “Hi! What’s your name?”, ” Where are you from? “, “What do you do?” *puke* Then they offer to buy you a drink and try to latch on to you with more boring conversation while never once dropping any sexual innuendo. It’s because they are shitting themselves inside, terrified to death you might reject them, injure their egos, and make a publicly embarrassing scene. See the trembling hands, the wavering voice, the lack of eye contact? Little boys, trapped in men’s bodies, scared of a girl.
Most men honestly believe that a car, looks, wealth, fame, house, etc.. are the determining factors that define their attractiveness to women. That beats out “just looks” hands-down as far as oppression goes in my opinion. Of course, men aren’t allowed to verbalize these insecurities publicly. Oh no – that would make them pussies. That’s why these hidden assumptions keep perpetuating themselves.
The media, the political elite, and those already in positions of economic power, don’t like competition. The last thing they want is a society full of self-confident men who aren’t going to behave like good little subjects. They want a society full of men who don’t have the balls needed to start-up a new competitive company and work for themselves. They want a society full of men who need safety-nets and handouts, who need their protection from all bad things. That’s what they want, and that’s the agenda they push – everywhere.
Every piece of news is created to invoke a sense of fear. Every James Bond movie says this is the type of guy who women find attractive. Every political speech is about how the political class is going to protect you from some new terrible tragedy. Every men’s magazine is about how to get a ripped body or accumulate wealth, with images of yachts, planes, suits, fancy watches, etc… Go find me a men’s magazine that teaches men how to be self-confident, non-needy, emotionally stable individuals without relying on looks or wealth as means to those ends. Men don’t have a feminist movement.
Self-confidence has to come from within guys. Never look for some external entity or physical appearance as the basis for your own self-worth.
And if all that wan’t enough, look at the messaging habits of women on online dating sites. The data obtained by OKTrends backs up what I’m saying here. It’s hard to argue with raw numbers. If you have doubts, take the time to read the linked article.
The best looking men get 10x the number of messages as the ugliest men. Now, you might think that’s proves the opposite of my point, until you look and see that the best looking women get 25x the messages as the ugliest ones. If we take that ratio at face value, that means women value looks 2.5 times less than guys do. Further, women think the vast majority of men are ugly or average no matter what they might look like:
As OKTrends notes, “This graph also dramatically illustrates just how much more important a woman’s looks are than a guy’s.”
Women don’t judge men primarily on looks. If they did, no one would be getting laid.
And now for a little levity: