This article continues to be one of the most popular posts on this web site over a year after I wrote it. As of 12/16/2014, I’ve decided to update it.
All issues men have in relation to attracting women can be boiled down to one phrase.
The bottom line is this gentlemen. If you don’t think you’re worthy of the girl you’re hitting on, she isn’t going to find you worthy of dating.
If you don’t believe your own value as a human being and potential partner are worth more than her’s, then you’re basically begging her to do you the favor of dating you. Women aren’t into charity when it comes to dating.
If you say, “a woman would never date me because I’m fat.” Then you’re right, she won’t. Not particularly because you’re fat, but because you don’t think she wants to date fat men. Which means you’re automatically assuming your value is less than hers. Which means you perceive your own worth as being less than hers.
If you say, “a woman would never date me because I’m a short balding Asian man.” Then you’re right, she won’t. Why should she? Why should she date a guy who doesn’t believe he’s worthy of her? There’s no way it will ever happen.
The very fact you’re reading this article tells me you have self-worth issues. How did you end up on this page? What were you looking for? Were you looking for validation of what you already believe? Are you looking for me to tell you that being ugly is what’s stopping you from getting a date?
Imagine this scenario. You see the hottest girl you’ve ever seen in your life standing in the produce isle of your local supermarket. Are you afraid to hit on her? Do you see yourself getting shot down brutally, so why even bother? Because if you do, then you shouldn’t bother, because it’s never going to work. You’ll just act like a terrified dork, which might be endearing but definitely not sex worthy. If you’re just trying to be her friend, then that’s all you’ll ever be.
The only thing that matters is self-worth. Big fat ugly guys date hot women. Short balding Asians date hot women. And sometimes good looking GQ models end up marrying fatties. Why? Because some guys value themselves highly and some don’t. Women never trade down when it comes to value. They only date men whose value is higher than their own.
The beautiful and terrible thing about this is that the value women judge you on has very little to do with anything that is external to yourself. Sure, being rich helps, being good looking helps, being tall helps, having a full head of hair helps, etc.. etc.. etc.. But you could have all these things and still fail when it comes to dating if you don’t perceive your own value as being higher than the girl you’re hitting on.
Of course, simply saying that self-worth is the only thing that matters doesn’t give you anything tangible that you can use to improve your interactions, so here’s an anecdote to give you a little example of what that means in a practical application.
I was out with a group of guys last weekend and we ended up going to a small club. One of the guys in my group happened to look like a model, he’s 21, works as a firefighter and a lifeguard. Another random guy in the bar, who was hanging around next to our table, looked like some kind of jacked beefcake. He was probably around 25 years old. These two are bit players in my story.
So we are all partying and having a good time when in comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde and her somewhat shorter less attractive sister. The blonde was 23 years old, 5′ 7″ 125 lbs or so – smoke’n hot, a solid 9 or higher. She starts dancing around having a good time and rather quickly makes her way towards the jacked beefcake who flirts around with her. My model friend then turns around and starts messing with her too, so now there’s a little competition between the two for the girl’s attention. The fact these guys looked hot drew her to them without them having to do anything. They literally didn’t have to do anything except stand there.
As this is taking place, I’m watching how the two guys are behaving. I recognized almost immediately that neither of them had any “game,” and were relying entirely on their looks to spark attraction with the girl. They appeared over-eager. They weren’t funny. They weren’t taking control of the situation. They were reactive, rather than proactive. They just played around with her, dancing and talking with her. She didn’t seem to mind, and I’m sure they both would have had a decent chance of hooking up with her had I let things continue on as they were.
As I’m watching this go down, I decided I was going to show these two how it’s done. Now mind you, I’m 38 years old, and I’m certainly not a model or a jacked beefcake. I’m just a software developer with a penchant for economics and blogging.
I butt my head into the group and eye-fucked the girl, which got her attention. Since she’s dancing around, I gesture and posture myself in a way that makes it clear I want to dance with her. At this point, no words have been spoken, it’s all been eye contact and body language. So she comes over and starts dancing with me.
After about 10 seconds of dancing with her, I physically shove her away from me and start teasing her. “Why are you putting your butt on me? Who told you that was OK? This shit ain’t free!” – She reacted by immediately trying to grind on me even harder, which caused me to shove her away again. I start shouting, “This isn’t going to work. You’re too tempting. You’re a temptress. Get away from me you temptress!” and I shoved her away yet again. I mean I forcefully pushed her off of me.
Now she’s just standing there staring at me, and I returned her gaze without flinching. I pulled her into me and started dancing with her again. I let her dance with me for another 10 seconds then I shoved her away again. Then I reached out and made her spin around for me by raising her hand above her head. We were eye-fucking each other the entire time.
I continued to amp this interaction up for another 10 minutes or so doing the same push-pull flirting until she had to run off to the bathroom. The other two guys were left just standing there like stunned bumps on a log. I shut them down so cold I don’t think they managed to get a single word in with the girl after I stepped in.
A while later the girl returns from the bathroom and gets a drink at the bar. I notice her make her way back toward the beefcake, who she had repeatedly openly stated looked hot. As soon as I noticed her back flirting with the beefcake, I immediately walked over and started making a “shoo, get away from me” motion with my hands. I didn’t say anything, I just used my body language to express a playful disgust with her.
(As a side note, I’ve seen this happen a few times where I get a girl highly aroused in a hyper-rapid fashion like this, and then she runs away for a bit and returns after finding some gigantic beefcake to cling to because she wants to see if you have the guts to pull her away from him. Just do it. 99% of gorillas out there have no game and will not do shit no matter how intimidating they may look, and if you lose a girl to the 1% who do have game, so what? Oh, and for those who don’t get it, playfully shooing girls away makes them come towards you.)
As soon as she saw me shooing her away, she turned away from the beefcake and started trying to grind on me again – so again, I went right back to the push pull. Each time I pulled her back in after pushing her away, I physically escalated a little more. I made monster sounds and pretended like I was going to eat her neck. I kept leaning in trying to kiss her. She kept leaning away each time and didn’t let me do it. Undeterred, each time she leaned away from me, I physically pushed her off me. Eventually I had her chasing me around bar tables like a little girl chasing boys on a kindergarten playground.
Soon enough we are back on the dance floor and it’s obvious that she’s completely aroused by the situation. I licked her neck. She attacked me and stuck her tongue down my throat. It’s totally on at this point. Game over. The old software developer shut down a beefcake and a model boy to pull a stunner nearly half his age.
So let’s look at my behavior with a critical eye. How did I pull this off? Ask yourself how many of the men this girl has flirted with have ever pushed her away? How many men have ever shooed her away? How many men has she ever had to chase after? I bet she could count the number on one hand. I made it clear, almost immediately, that I was the prize, not her. I was super playful, super fun, super arousing and super confident.
I wasn’t embarrassed to dance like a complete idiot. I didn’t hesitate to physically escalate. I didn’t flinch with my eye contact. I didn’t ask her questions or try to get her approval, in fact I barely spoke to her at all. I probably said less than a paragraph to her before I made out with her. I didn’t even know her name at the time she stuck her tongue down my throat. The entire pickup was virtually non-verbal. 95% of it was me physically pushing her away and then pulling her back in with flirtatious dance moves or making her physically chase me around the bar.
I think another important point here is that I never let her decide what was going to happen next at any point in the interaction. I never let her dance with me in one position so long that she would get bored or that I would appear to be clingy. I was the one who always broke off the “pull” part of the interactions first. I was the one leading her around the bar. I was in control, she was following my lead. In other words, I was proactive, not reactive.
When I was observing the two guys hitting on her, the fact they were bigger, better looking and younger than me only made me more confident. I could see they were entirely dependent on their looks, with no “game.” In my mind, this was like taking candy away from a baby. It was so easy and fun it wasn’t even a challenge.
There should be no anxiety when approaching a girl for a date. Anxiety comes from caring about the outcome. And that’s only an issue if you perceive her opinion to actually be worth something – but it’s not.
Her opinion is worth shit. It doesn’t mean shit. Her opinion has the value of a five year old’s. In reality, it doesn’t matter if she thinks you’re a big fat pile of shit or God’s gift to women. What she gonna do? Why should you care what she thinks about you? If you care what she thinks, you’re already ascribing wayyyy too much unearned value to her. She hasn’t earned the right for you to care what she thinks about you yet. Being hot doesn’t make her opinion worth more than a can of beans.
Your a fucking man for Christ sake. Act like. Walk up assuming she’s an airhead bimbo and the purpose of your interacting with her is tease her with the opportunity of dating someone who is clearly way out of her league. It doesn’t matter if you actually are “way out her league,” it only matters if you believe you are. Because if you don’t believe it, then you are going to fail no matter how rich, how good looking or how tall you are.
If you just stop to think logically about this, you’d realize that it is IMPOSSIBLE for women to be attracted to looks the way men are. Just imagine for a moment you were a woman and you had the same sex drive you do now, only for men. You’d be out getting boned non-stop, on the subway, in the gas station bathroom, EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME. You’d never make it out of the supermarket because you’d be getting boned in the produce isle.
The world simply couldn’t operate like that. Women would see a hot dude and immediately be trying to suck him off. The world would implode.
Consider this situation, If a hot girl walks up to a random ugly guy and offers sex, unless he’s gay or the most faithful man on the planet, he’s going to take her up on the offer. If a hot guy walks up to a random ugly girl and offers sex, what are the odds she turns him down compared to the odds of the guy turning the hot girl down? As the videos demonstrate, only one girl out of 200 took the guy up on his offer. So here we have empirical proof that women’s sexual attraction response does not work the same as men’s. Because looks are such a small part of what makes men attractive to women, they can be easily overcome by demonstrating other attractive qualities.
Let me try and put this another way. Imagine you notice a perfect 10, but she has rather ugly hands and she’s missing a few fingers. Are you really going to give a shit? Because when women judge a guy’s looks, it’s like men judging how good a woman’s hands look. I’m dead serious. That’s about how much importance your looks have to women as a guy. Now if you ask women directly how important looks are, they may disagree with this point, but there’s a million videos of ugly guys picking up women on the internet that clearly prove otherwise.
Watch a short, balding ginger make out with two hot girls at the same time.
If you look at the work put out by companies like Real Social Dynamics these days, all of them are saying the same things I’ve been saying for years now. They don’t teach pick-up lines, they focus almost entirely on correcting self-esteem and self-worth issues. See this post for a huge collection of related seminars and self-help instructors.
Leo from actualized.org basically nails what women really want more accurately and concisely than just about anyone else I’ve ever seen – which is saying something, because I’ve watched thousands of pickup and psychology seminars:
Leo breaks it down into humor, confidence, edginess, and non-needy behavior. These traits could be further boiled down into confidence and personality, or just simply personality. How you behave is a million times more important than how you look or what you own.
I know this makes a lot of men furious, because it means there are no easy fixes. Simply hitting the gym, getting a degree, making huge piles of cash or buying fancy shit isn’t going to do a damn thing. They have to fundamentally change their personality, which is way harder than simply hitting the gym every day. Changing personality means admitting your present personality is shit, which is something the ego will work furiously to prevent.
I’ve given you my story. I’ve shown you numerous videos of ugly guys hooking up with hot girls. I’ve given you links to resources that show you how to accomplish this for yourself. This is all I can do. I can’t hold your hand and make you take action, I can only show you what is possible.
I know there are many men out there who have such enormous negative limiting beliefs and mental blocks in place that they refuse to believe the evidence before them. This is a great tragedy, and I truly feel sorry for these guys. I wish I could do more to help them, but there comes a point where people have to help themselves for any progress to be made.
I purged the comment section for the revised article. No trolling will be allowed. If you don’t have something constructive or positive to say, your post is going to be deleted. I will answer questions to the best of my ability.