How To Stop Being Fat The Absurdist Way


Apparently the ultimate way to lose weight is to become a drunk stoner whose diet consists of chocolate bars and peanut butter sandwiches.

You think I’m pulling your chain?

Step 1. Drink a couple medium sized glasses of wine or hard alcohol mixers every day (this works for women, not so well for men.)

A six-year study of 43,500 people by the University of Denmark. Key findings: teetotallers and infrequent drinkers ended up with the biggest waistlines, daily drinkers had the smallest.

Step 2.  Smoke a joint every day.

Current marijuana users had significantly smaller waist circumference than participants who had never used marijuana, even after adjusting for factors like age, sex, tobacco and alcohol use, and physical activity levels. They also had higher levels of HDL (“good cholesterol“). The most significant differences between those who smoked marijuana and those who never or no longer did was that current smokers’ insulin levels were reduced by 16 percent and their insulin resistance (a condition in which the body has trouble absorbing glucose from the bloodstream) was reduced by 17 percent.

People who had previously used marijuana, but not in the past thirty days, tended to have similar outcomes, but to a much lesser degree. In addition, none of these measures were impacted by how much marijuana people reported smoking.

Step 3. Eat chocolate with lunch and dinner.

Eat chocolate 20 minutes before and five minutes after lunch and dinner to cut your appetite by up to 50 percent…. In one study from the University of L’Aquila in Italy, people who ate a candy bar’s worth of dark chocolate once a day for 15 days in a row decreased their potential for insulin resistance by almost 50 percent.

Step 4. Try swapping out the carbs in your diet for fat.

In 2003, a U.S. university team of nutritionists tested two slimming diets — each amounting to the same number of calories — on a group of overweight women.

One diet was very low-fat and relatively high in carbohydrate. The other was high in fat but low in carbohydrate. What do you think happened?

The low-fat dieters lost 3.9kg (almost 9lb), but the high-fat dieters lost more than twice that: 8.5kg (almost 19lb).

Step 5.  Eat nuts, including peanuts and peanut butter.

Bleich, who wasn’t involved in the new report, said his own work has shown measures of insulin resistance — a diabetes predictor — were lower when people added nuts to their diets.

“One would generally think if you’re increasing the ‘fat content’ of the diet, you might in fact make insulin resistance worse,” he told Reuters Health. “It speaks to this issue of the quality of the fats that we consume.”

Nuts may also suppress hunger because of their unsaturated fats, fiber and protein, the researchers noted.

Step 6.  Stop doing cardio and start lifting weights.

The first reason weight lifting is a good option for fat loss is because it boosts metabolic rate both over the short term as well as over the long term. In the hours after an intense weight-lifting session you will experience an increase in metabolic rate. What’s more, weight lifting will help you maintain your total amount of lean muscle mass, creating a permanent increase in metabolism.

Cardio training will only cause a short rise in metabolic rate for an hour or two after the session, taking away from the overall calorie-burning benefits compared with resistance training.

Often, overdoing cardio will actually decrease your total lean body mass, so you could see a reduction in metabolism over time working against your fat loss efforts…

The second reason to choose weight lifting for fat loss purposes is because, while cardio may make you lose weight, weight lifting will help you lose body fat, altering your body composition.

Many individuals who just hop on the treadmill to lose the pounds don’t end up looking much different — even if they do successfully lose 10 to 20 pounds. This is because they still have the same proportion of muscle mass to body fat; they are just “smaller.”

Step 7. Cut out the caffeine.

For some people, a high caffeine intake could result in weight gain or make weight loss very difficult, if not impossible…Just like stress and a lack of sleep are associated with weight gain because of the increase they cause in your cortisol levels, you can also experience problems with your weight by drinking too much coffee. High cortisol levels resulting from excessive caffeine are more likely to put extra weight around your waist, according to Dr. Len Kravitz, program coordinator of exercise science and a researcher at the University of New Mexico

Step 8.  Go to Old Country Buffet and gorge yourself on all items until you can’t breathe without unbuttoning your pants.

Since that’s what you’ve been planning to do this entire time anyways.  Why do all that work when you can become morbidly obese and ride around on a government provided rascal?  Think of the rascal.  It needs you.

In all seriousness, the ultimate bottom line is that a caloric deficit needs to be reached (with the apparent exception of calories from alcohol) in order for a person to lose weight.  However, armed with the research above, reaching that caloric deficit may be quite an enjoyable process.

I love how everything listed is pretty much the opposite of conventional dieting.  Caffeine can make you gain weight?   Pot can make you lose weight?  What!?

It seems the conventional diet being pushed by the likes of Michelle Obama hasn’t done very well at reducing America’s bloated disgusting waistline.  Perhaps a drunk-stoner-chocolate-peanut butter diet should be promoted instead.  I would kill to attend a high school that offered these menu options.

Think about it.  We could kill two birds with one stone!  No kid would EVER skip school or drop out, and they would all be fit! You can’t teach a kid if he isn’t there to learn!


So let’s see if we can put a sample diet together from this mess.  I happen to be cutting right now so I’ll give it a shot.


3x eggs scrambled with 1 tbsp butter and a sprinkle of real bacon bits and pico de gallo (400 calories).  Decaf coffee with cream (40 calories).  A total of 440 calories for breakfast.

For those of you who say you don’t have time to make eggs, I call bullshit.  I get up 10 minutes earlier to make them. That’s all it takes.  And drink the coffee like a man.


2x squares 85% fine dark chocolate (115 calories) 2x small whole wheat tortillas (200 calories) 2x tbsp peanut butter – the real stuff you have to mix by hand (200 calories) or swap out one sandwich for a quarter cup almonds (205 calories.) A total 515 calories for lunch.  This can be prepared the night before, no refrigeration required.  Drink water like a man.


2x squares 85% fine dark chocolate (115 calories) Quarter rotisserie chicken breast (300 calories) Cup of butter and herb infused wild rice cooked (250 calories) 4x 2″ peanut butter celery sticks (100-200 calories). A total of 765 calories for dinner.

Make your own rice, and hopefully your local grocer makes rotisserie chicken, which makes for four full servings that can be refrigerated and reheated on the stove top for a minimal amount of work.  I like to add bruschetta topping and fresh grated parmigiano reggiano to the dish before serving, so maybe throw in a 100 calories for that.

That brings us to a grand total of 1820 calories, not including the red wine for dinner which supposedly doesn’t count.

I also recommend taking a multivitamin and calcium supplement, and spacing the chocolate and celery sticks out between meals if possible.

Oh, and if you have insomnia from all that caffeine you used to be drinking, I recommend seeing a doctor about that.  Preferably one that has a green cross above his door.