Dealing With Shyness Around Women – Do Your Looks Matter?

A few days ago I penned an updated version of a hugely popular article I wrote over a year ago.  The article is entitled Do Men’s Looks Matter When It Comes To Attracting Women?  This article continues to be one of most visited articles on this blog over a year after I wrote it (hundreds of views per day.)

Today, I’m going to address one reader’s response to this article in this blog post.  Peter writes that he’s having trouble dealing with shyness, and the things I suggest doing in my article seem like they are impossible for him to accomplish. He’s even seen a psychiatrist seeking help for his shyness, and the psychiatrist told him that some people, even with therapy, may never fully overcome their shyness and end up just staying shy for life.  Peter is very concerned that he could end up being one of these people.

Expand for Peter's full response, edited for clarity.

Well, I think any psychiatrist who tells you that it’s possible you may never be cured of your shyness is a pretty fucking worthless psychiatrist.  Rest assured that it is possible for all people to overcome their shyness, because shyness is function of your consciousness.  That said, don’t expect this article to suddenly make you not be shy any more.  You can’t expect any therapist, any article, or anything that is external to your being, to suddenly bring about a change in how you judge various situations.

You, the decision making being, who is experiencing the physical body and brain of “Peter” the human, is simply reacting to electrical sensations created by the nervous system of “Peter” the human.  Peter is not you.  Peter is a body.  Peter is a physical brain.  Peter is a bio-electric entity living in a virtual hologram that allows you to undergo a physical and time based existence. This belief pattern may be difficult to accept, but it is true.  Ask yourself if believing otherwise helps you more than harms you.  You should do your best to discard any belief pattern that does not help you, no matter if it is true or not.  Forget what you think is true.  Go with what will help you now.

For this to become evident, you have to stop and assess exactly what fear is.  You have to analyze the physical sensations that arise when you experience fear over any given situation.   The next time you feel afraid, I want you to stop and analyse the purely physical sensations that you’re experiencing.  Try and put emotion aside and just focus on the physical sensations you are experiencing.

Fear is a physiological response.  Peter the human’s heart rate increases.  Peter the human’s palms become sweaty.  Peter the human’s breathing becomes more rapid.  You may experience physically unpleasant sensations emanating from Peter the human’s nerves in his stomach region.  The body called Peter is sending you, the inhabiting being that comprises the “being” in the phrase “human being,” a rush of electrochemical signals that you are then judging to be good or bad sensations.

Peter the Body sends you a rush of electrochemical sensations, and then you make a judgement about what those sensations represent and how you should react to them.  Peter the Body is afraid, you, the being experiencing Peter the Body, cannot be afraid.  It’s not possible for you to be afraid, only for your body and brain to be afraid.  All you are capable of doing is judging the electrochemical signals Peter is sending you to be bad or good, and then directing Peter on how to react to them.

The trick is to figure out a way to stop negatively judging the sensations that Peter the Body is sending you.  Instructors who teach men how to pickup women on various bootcamps often give their students tasks that are designed to fail.  This is a very Zen method of teaching, and I personally love it.  One example might be telling a man to approach a woman with his shirt over his head.  Another might be telling a man to approach a woman and try to have a conversation with her without being allowed to ask her any questions.

If Peter the Body is forced to do enough of these absurd interactions, eventually Peter the Body will learn that nothing bad will result from them.  Nothing bad will result from acting like a total idiot.  Nothing bad will result from having the entire bar laughing at you. Nothing bad will result from people negatively judging you.   Eventually Peter the Body will stop sending you an overload of chemical signals and You the Being will stop negatively interpreting the signals that remain.

Of course, it’s easy for me to say that, and subconsciously you know what I’m saying is true, the obvious problem is forcing your body to actually go out and approach women with its shirt over its head.  This is why people pay bootcamp instructors thousands of dollars per weekend.   They need someone to essentially push them out of the airplane while skydiving.  They need someone to push them off the bridge while bungee jumping.  They need someone to kick them off the cliff while cliff diving.  Once someone has forced you to jump a few times, the body learns that there are great rewards that come from taking the plunge.

Paying someone to force your body to take action works because you know the enormous amount of money you spent is essentially going to be wasted if you don’t go along with the program.  It plays on your ego.  It sets up a situation where your ego will be damaged by not taking action, on top of facing an enormous amount of peer pressure.  I highly recommend finding someone who will FORCE you to interact with women.

I also recommend taking a bootcamp in a place far away from where you live, like Vegas. I recommend this because it forces your brain to recognize the fact that you will never see any of these people again.  So no matter how idiotic you may act, you’ll never see them again.  Thus, there can be no consequences for acting like a total moron.  Vegas is the best place on Earth to take a bootcamp. If you can afford it, there is nothing better.

Bootcamps are expensive, but think of it this way, what’s it worth to not be shy any more?  What’s it worth to have someone force you to overcome your mental blocks so that you can live a full and complete life?  It’s worth everything IMHO.  Just to be clear, I do not work for Real Social Dynamics.  No one is paying me to promote them.  I just totally believe in their product and I think they do great work.  If you do decide to take a bootcamp, be sure to tell the instructor repeatedly that you WANT them to be as forceful with you as it takes.

I also recommend cutting out anything negative from your life until you feel you are healed.  Cut out all news.  Stop visiting any websites that promote negativity or bring people down.  You should actively be trying to brainwash yourself into being a positive happy person.  Your goal should be to brainwash yourself.  Say it to yourself.  Tell yourself that you want to brainwash yourself into being a happy and positive person, and you’re going to do whatever it takes to achieve that goal.

Also, since you’re cutting out everything negative, don’t forget to cut out negative music as well.  No more fucking death metal.  No more gangster rap.  No more depressing country songs about how some guy’s dog died and his wife left him.  No more sappy romance songs.  All you are allowed to listen to from now on is EDM (Electronic Dance Music), so start enjoying it.  Popular artists include Avicii, LMFAO, Tiesto, Kaskade, Samantha James, Ocean Lab, JES, Armin Van Buuren and Jamiroquai.  And start dancing to them, alone or in public.  And smile everywhere you go, even if you feel angry at the world.  Dancing and smiling are proven anti-depressants.

Other than bootcamps, I highly recommend purchasing the following hypnotherapy sessions from iTunes:

Hypnotherapy has been repeatedly proven to work!  So use it!

I make it a point to listen to at least one track from these every night before I go to sleep.  I completely blank out my mind and then focus on the message as much as I possibly can.  Doing this right before you go to bed has the added benefit of increasing the amount of time you spend resting.  Proper sleep is vital to curing depression and shyness.  Since you’re no longer going to be watching the useless nightly news, you’ll have added time to do this.

If you live in a state where medical marijuana is legal, I highly recommend getting your hands on some.  The medicinal power of marijuana to cure depressed states, along with its mild entheogenic properties, combined with hypnotherapy sessions is truly amazing.  Blaze up before putting on some Glenn Harrold!

The study, which was undertaken at the University Medical Center Utrecht in the Netherlands, claims that THC activates the endocannabinoid system naturally found in the brain to alter our response to negative images or emotions….According to the study, people who had THC in their bloodstream were less accurate in matching the fearful facial expressions.

This is exactly what shy people need.  Most medical marijuana doctors will provide a marijuana prescription for people who complain about depression, insomnia caused by depression and insomnia caused by anxiety.

If you’ve never done marijuana before, get someone to sit with you while you do it.  A little too much can cause severe panic attacks, but it will never cause any real harm to you no matter how scary of a panic attack it causes.  Still, it’s better to have someone who’s done it before there with you to help calm you down should you experience panic attack.  If you do experience a panic attack, push through it and do it again. Face your fears.

The last, and perhaps the most important recommendation, is to take up a weightlifting and diet program.

Did you know your gut has 500 million neurons?  Did you know your gut bacteria can have an impact on your emotional health?  Did you know that diet and exercise have been scientifically proven to cure depression?

I cannot stress this enough.  Building up a physically fit body will provide you a sense of entitlement.  Your ego will feel like you’ve earned the right to hit on hot girls because you’ve put effort into your appearance.  Of course, your looks don’t really matter to the girl, but they do matter a whole heck of a lot to how you perceive yourself.

You will notice that the fitter you become, the more self-confident you will become.  Even if you never get to the point where you look like a jacked beefcake, the act of improving yourself will confer huge psychological benefits.  Working out on its own may be enough to cure shyness in many people.

Here’s a super simple program that I follow.  Use machines instead of free-weights if you don’t have a workout partner who can spot for you.  By rep #11, you should be unable to push the weight up any more:

Workout A:

  • Squats (or leg press) – 3 sets of 8-10 reps. – 2 minutes rest between sets.
  • Bench Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps. – 2 minutes rest between sets.
  • Rows – 3 sets of 8-10 reps. – 2 minutes rest between sets.
  • Triceps Press Downs – 1 set of 10-12 reps.
  • Calf Raises – 1-2 sets of 10-12 reps. – 1 minute rest between sets.

Workout B:

  • Deadlifts – 3 sets of 8-10 reps. – 2 minutes rest between sets.
  • Pull-Ups (or Lat Pull-Downs) – 3 sets of 8-10 reps. – 2 minutes rest between sets.
  • Overhead Shoulder Press – 3 sets of 8-10 reps. – 2 minutes rest between sets.
  • Biceps Curls – 1 set of 10-12 reps.
  • Abs – 1-2 sets of 10-12 reps. – 1 minute rest between sets.

On an alternating schedule between A and B, do three days a week in the gym.  For example, do workout A on Monday, workout B on Wednesday and workout A again on Friday.  Then next week do B on Monday, A on Wednesday, etc.. etc..   I got this simple program from a highly recommended personal trainer.  If you want to do more, great.

Diet is just as important, possibly MORE important, than working out.

Eating green tart apples, like the Granny Smith, will increase the amount of good bacteria in your gut.  Apples eaten before a meal will also reduce the average calories consumed by 15%.  So start adding apples to your diet.

An awesome way to consume an apple is to get one of those apple slicer contraptions that cuts an apple into slices by pushing down on it (keep one at work or in your lunch box too.)  Then add a drop of honey to each bite.  Super tasty, super sweet, and really low calories for the fullness you get from it.  Along with apples, start adding a multivitamin and vitamin D pills to your diet.  If you’re overweight, setup a diet plan for the week and stick to it.

Oh, and one more thing, if you are a smoker, you need to quit immediately.  Smoking is a massive nervous system stimulant.  You may think it is relaxing you and helping you to deal with anxiety, but that is simply a drug induced illusion.  Smoking also destroys beneficial gut bacteria, which as I showed above, means it could be adding to your depressed shy state of being.

By quitting smoking, you are forcing your psyche to manage your nervous system instead of relying on nicotine to manage it for you.  Quitting smoking is like taking the training wheels off a bicycle.  You suddenly have to control your own stress response without relying on any drugs to help you.  This obviously is of huge benefit when it comes to hitting on women.  Same goes for alcohol.  You need to be the one fully in control of your stress response.

Glenn Harrold makes a stop smoking hypnotherapy session that will be of great benefit.  Do not rely on nicotine replacement products, such as the patch or gum.  If anything, go with Chantix or Wellbutrin, but the best way is to go cold turkey and rely on hypnotherapy, even though it is the hardest method.

Quitting smoking will also confer an additional sense of entitlement to you.  Because you’ll feel like you’re actively working towards something, you will feel more entitled.  Overcoming the moment to moment challenge that quitting imposes on you will really make you feel like your doing something to make your life better every moment of every day.  Entitlement is a BIG help when it comes to overcoming shyness.

Summary of actions you can take:

  • Workout by doing weightlifting three days a week.
  • Alter your diet to include apples, multivitamins and reduced calories if you are overweight.
  • Listen to hypnotherapy courses that will help you brainwash yourself once a day.
  • Cut out all negative influences, such as the news and death metal, from your life.
  • Smile everywhere you go and dance as much as you can.
  • Add medical marijuana if available in your area.
  • Take a bootcamp that forces you to interact with women.
  • Quit all nicotine and alcohol.

It’s a short list, but it’s extremely powerful.  It may take several months before you notice a change in your behavior, but I promise you, if you follow these steps religiously, you’re going to be shocked at how dramatically improved your mental health becomes.

Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist, I’m not a doctor, I’m just a guy giving you his opinion on what he’s seen work throughout his life.  If you are experiencing severe depression and shyness, seek help from a medical professional.  If nothing else, having someone to talk to about it can calm your anxiety.

  • Tom

    I don’t know about looks, but women certainly are drawn to MONEY. As a real estate broker, I’ve lived on a roller coaster ride – when the economy’s up, so is my income. So I’ve been forced to see women’s reactions first hand to a guy who is making a pile of money – vs. one who’s struggling. Women are totally transparent and material. Like the Madonna song, “Material Girl”. Females are just interested in guys who will spend a lot of money on them and “show them a good time”.

    • So you’ve never seen a broke ass college kid hook up with a hot girl before?

      • Tom

        Actually, I’ve enjoyed times of prosperity and plenty of women in my life. At a time I was living in a new 3800 sf, 6bdrm, 4bath home with new cars owned free and clear on the driveway, I had to schedule the ladies spending the night so there wouldn’t be a problem. I’ve also lived at the opposite end. Yes, there are good women who will take guys in who aren’t making any money. But the gold diggers outnumber them 10 to 1.

        • tyler

          Yeah,you see, men are just plain suckers full stop.Doing all this shit trying to get women who are just gonna use them up like saps.
          Me,I’m just not that dumb.I can see through the “charm” of women like I can see through freshly windexed glass.I will never be getting used by any dumb B*^*H for the sake of my money.

        • C-Bo the Real Mob Nigga

          Lol you a trick and a simp

      • ben

        You dont have any more control over personality than you do looks.Personalities do not change.Personalities are caused by genetics and early life experiences.Nobody has control over those things,thus nobody has control over personality.

  • Christan

    I had a friend that got the ladies and I asked him what his secret was. He said I look at the guys getting with them and be just like them. I tell you what. It works without a doubt. I know because I tried it. I am married so I no longer have this issue. I have a different one. When I am around obviously hot women types they expect to get hit on. I am married so I don’t do that. I will tell you now it throws them off their game. So much so they are the ones hitting on me now. The tide really turned in a way I didn’t expect. Fending off advances from rich attractive females wasn’t on my things to do list.
    I think the thing to remember if your shy should be this. “Hey Jude don’t make it bad your were made to go out and get her” now get with it.

    • Tom

      You’re on to something. But I maintain that women have a very uncanny sense for money. Money draws women like shit draws flies. So if a guy will keep his focus on business and making the money, the women will find their way to his door. It just happens. No wonder prostitution is the world’s oldest profession. That’s just how women are wired.

      • Christan

        I don’t think money is as important as having a good time. However I do think your correct to a degree. The problem with anyone attracted by money is they will leave when it’s gone.

    • Justin Adrian De la Cruz

      hmmm it seems that married guys are attractive to women…or its because that you are good looking that women are the one who hit on you…sorry for my english

      • Christian

        My friend tried to borrow my ring for a party. He said married men are more attractive to women. Not sure if he is right or not. I suppose they have to be shallow women in the first place.

      • Christan

        Yeah I guess my looks may have something to do with it.

  • ben

    The tecnique of forcing oneself to go out on a limb and do socially awkward or embarrasing things is routinely employed to treat shyness.I have done this kind of thing.However, it’s effectiveness can range from good to hardly beneficial at all.In some instances it can even worsen social anxiety.
    It is good that michael encourages this tecnique, but he oversimplifies the brains ability to just “rewire” itself. He makes it out to be a garaunteed silver bullet,which it is not.Everybody will respond differently to this.
    I also ask the question , if nothing bad happens when you make a fool of youself, how did many people develop this anxious social instinct in the first place? People with anxiety do not fear something bad happening per se.They fear redicule,which is a rational fear.People who are goofy or act stupid will in fact be rediculed,at least in the mind of others.This is all that is neccessary to instill anxiety in a shy person.Nothing actually has to “happen” for the cycle of anxiety to continue.

    • ben

      Also in a significant number of instances,doing “out there” stuff like appraching women with shirt over head will actually result in verbal insults etc. which can in turn attack and erode the confidence of shy individuals.

      • Brenden Kaemmer

        Good news Ben. You dont have to do any crazy stuff. You just have to talk to people everyday. Its not overnight, but make an effort to start conversations with strangers, baristas, anybody. “Hello. The weather sure is nice today.” Its not about pushing your comfort zone. You just have to get functional. Eventually you’ll get over it naturally and you can move on to talking to hot girls, better sales clients, etc.

        99% of all of your problems are just YOU over thinking what you know you have to do. Being social and sexual is just a phenomenon you were born to experience. It is what it means to be human. It is entirely within you.

        There is no cycle of anxiety, only you and your choices.

        • ben

          I do socialize a lot.I try to talk to strangers if i can.Trouble is im just not a talkative person.To me most of what people say is pointless.I prefer action over words.A lot of times i just cant keep any conversation going.It just becomes awkward.
          Socializing a lot has not eliminated my shyness.Probably not reduced it that much.I don’t think people realise how difficult shyness can be to change.Definately wont happen in a year or two.Sometimes it is because of deep seated emotional issues created during upbringing.Sometimes these things just don’t resolve,ever.Like a traumatized veteran,they never truly return to normal.

          • ben

            i havnt tried hypnotherapy so ill probably try it.

          • Hypnotherapy isn’t going to do shit if you ignore the other 90% of the article.

          • ben

            what,the getting stoned and listening to dance music bit? I already am in perfect shape with a pretty good diet.Still diet could be better.I dont get enough sleep,but im quite certain lots of sleep doesnt make you more confident.
            BTW I become very introverted after smoking weed….

          • You should not be getting high while dancing. I never said to do that. You say you are in perfect shape, is that because you have a regular workout program? Are you working out on a regular basis?

          • ben

            I do a lot of walking,used to jog a lot.not so much lately.Some cycling.A fair amount of manual labour lately keep me in shape.I dont do all the push ups,bicep curls etc that i used to.Im a bit too busy to do much of that these days.

          • That doesn’t cut it.

            This is about the process of improving yourself. Being in shape isn’t what is important. The important part is the process of improvement. That is where the self-worth comes from.

          • ben

            The thing about a work out routine is that you have to sacrifice other things which are equally valuable in order to do it. E.g you have to sacrifice intellectual and finacial pursuits,which are just as important to women, in order to make time for working out.The amount of working out I do is the correct amount,because it keeps me in shape and allows me time to do what else is important to me.Just working out all day wont get me where i want to go

          • You’re still not getting it.

            This guy does a pretty good job of explaining it.

          • ben

            What aren’t I getting? Being the incredible hulk will not make you attractive to women or make you socially confident.Physical fitness is not a predictor of social adeptness, or self confidence.So why are you emphasising this so much?
            As far as the process of self improvement, well I’ve been down many such paths in life, and in general striving to better myself at any particular pursuit has done little to change my shyness,or self confidence.
            I’m in perfect shape,period.A workout routine is not going to help in my instance…..

          • ben

            Also you say that anyone can overcome shyness,yet the scientific literature on the matter says otherwise.for example, avoidant personality disorder is widely accepted to be a chronic, non curable condition.Despite all and any treatment methods, such people usually continue to suffer from doubt and shyness in social settings for the duration of their life.Perhaps they can improve,but they will always be struggling with the condition.

          • Brenden Kaemmer

            Yeah, so?

          • Brenden Kaemmer

            The only thing that is EVER going to work for you, is for YOU to do whatever it takes for YOU to get comfortable in your own skin. You can make all the excuses you want but they are all bullshit.

          • ben

            For me to get comfortable in my own skin requires that I be born again,possibly with different genes,and experience a different life and upbringing.That will change the things that have been irreversibly damaged, and nothing else.
            Why don’t you tell a vietnam veteran to just do whatever it takes to become “untraumatised”.They can go back to being just like the people who didn’t go to war.They will be normal again, yes?
            Tell someone who has 15% heart capacity due to a congenital defect to go and win the 400m sprint at the olympics.Just tell them to do what it takes,nothing is holding them back.
            Tell an 80 year old who wishes they could play professional football that they should just do whatever it takes.
            You people just dont get it.There is no point continuing.So far the suggestions you make are ones proven to be ineffective for overcoming shyness.Unless u come up with something better than a workout or eating vegetables,then there is no point continuing on this topic…….

          • The only thing stopping you from overcoming your shyness is your own ego. You don’t have PTSD or a congenital heart defect.

          • ben

            Nonetheless,shyness can be a symptom of diseases no less severe or difficult to treat than PTSD or a congenital heart defect.

          • ben

            According to the video about what girls want,maybe its best i just forget about girls.They want intimacy.Frankly I don’t even love women.They want hot,dirty sex.I am still a virgin at 36 and couldn’t even get it up the times I tried because of shyness.
            I do hit at least one point on the hit list.Detached.I certainly wont be needy of her.Other guys could screw her for all I would care……

          • ben

            I havn’t even been to first base before….
            actually,maybe once

          • Then why are you on here bitching to me? There’s no law that says you have to love women and be in a relationship.

            Of course, I think you do want a relationship and regular sex, it’s just that your ego is so outrageously massive that you can’t even admit that much to yourself.

          • ben

            But hang on, if I have a massive ego, how can I be shy? The two phsychological states do not co exist.Shyness is a result of low self esteem.So something about your analysis is wrong.
            You said your list was so powerfull, anyone who did those things would see huge improvements in a few months.Ive done most of the things on your list for the last 15 or 20 years,I have not seen any real improvement in that time.So i dont know.You tell me,why aren’t I getting any better.
            Also,as far as responsibility, nothing about myself, or any aspect of my personality or person in general is my own doing.A person is a computer, the specifications of which are blueprinted within its genetics.The life experiences which program that computer are, likewise, inherited.I did not choose to have any of the experiences I have ever had in life.They were,like yours and everybody else’s, determined by circumstance.ultimately their is no such thing as choice, and no such thing as responsibility.Lets suggest I am too stubborn,or not brave enough or whatever to do what it “takes” to overcome the condition.I did not make myself stubborn, nor did I choose to be brave or a coward.Life chose that for me,just as it did for you.Whatever thoughts or feelings you are currently having,and whatever decisions you choose to make in response, were entirely determined by external factors.Nothing about you is your own doing.

          • ben

            As far as my life being not even half over, in terms of my sex life, it is virtually over.How much sex or romance do you think people in their 40’s have compared to someone in their teens or 20’s? I dont know about you,but I could probably have sex with maybe a 1/4 or less of the frequency I could at 20.And the kind of women your gonna be picking up in your 40’s and 50’s arent going to be no sweet 16’s, if u catch my drift.

          • ben

            and lets not forget, you are not qualified to judge what mental conditions can be cured and which can’t.You are not a mental health professional.So why are you so convinced you are right? You are not trained in the field of psychology. You do not have a career treating mentally ill patients.So how would you know what works and what doesn’t?
            I can clearly illustrate the shortcomings in your understanding of the topic.You specifically state in your article that being physically fit will in ALL cases result in big improvements to confidence around women,and in some cases cure shyness entirely.They are your words.
            Two years ago I completed a marathon within the top 5 percentile of 35 000 entrants.That is classed as an elite performance.I have a better body shape and tone than 75% of the population,at a minimum.I do not personally know 1 other person who is in as good shape as myself.Nonetheless, I am entirely petrified of approaching women. On one occasion,my friend even set up a meeting for me by talking to the girl first and telling her I was coming over to say hi.I was then compelled, intensely, by 2 close friends to go and talk to her.I refused to do so. My friend insisted again and again i go to speak to her.I could not bring myself to do it.
            Only just tonight I thought about going to a restaurant to get takeaway where I know there is a kind of cute girl working.I already went there a couple weeks ago, got takeaway, and considered getting a drink at the bar to try to chat to her.But I just chickened out with excuses.I thought about going there tonight.I just don’t feel in the mood,and frankly strongly suspect I would just chicken out again,and dont want to waste my time to experience what seems a forgone conclusion.
            The point of all this is that,what is written in your article is erroneous.You refuse to admit that you do not have experience treating or understanding the plethora of developmental issues which can cause shyness.The fact that you overcame your shyness means nothing.Your shyness was not caused by the same things that other peoples were.What you are saying is that because 1 person can overcome cancer, all people can.Yet as we know, a cancer which is overcome by 1 proves impossible to cure for others.
            you specifically state being in good shape alone puts you well on the way to being confident.Read my story and tell me that being in shape gave me the confidence to attract women.At the end of the day,I dont have the motivation to work out any more, because for me it has proven absolutely futile in attracting women.I put pictures on dating site profiles which show just what great shape I am in.Every person I have ever felt attracted to and messaged on any dating site flatly refused to go out with me.The last time I could even arrange a meeting with someone from a dating site was over 3 years ago, and that is considering I log on to 2 different dating sites several times every day for the last 6 years.I have logged onto dating sites perhaps 20 000 times or more.I get absolutely nothing,no messages no contact requests.My best friend found a 9 out of 10 within a few months of going on the same dating site I use.They now have a child together.Not surprisingly, he is considerably more handsome than me.It is blatantly obvious to me that his looks played no small part in his ability to attract an essentially ideal mate in short order.

          • Nephilim

            I missed this post. Im very handsome, tall, with long hair, but what captivates women is my personality. I was very one dimensional a few years back. I learned to be more appreciative of women after craving deeper intimacy than casual sex. Im very athletic and masculine, but that doesnt mean that I cant express my erotic desires romantically. Im very adept at composition, and Ive written dozens of poems to different women, some who I eventually dated. Despite being a metalhead, I found dark, erotic metal music and I learned to sing well for the first time in my life. I embraced romance within my loneliness. Id recommend admiring the beauty of Natasha St Pier singing je te souhaite to understand the tenderness women desire, but also Poisonblack, Love Infernal, to see what masculine seduction men are capable of offering. Lots of shallow women may reject you for not being handsome, but others will admire you if you can demonstrate an emotionally developed side.

          • Jesus Christ, just keep putting words into my mouth saying shit I never said while simultaneously coming up with more excuses for your “condition.”

            It’s time to man up.

          • ben

            Putting words into your mouth? If you look at the top of this very page, you will clearly find you typed pretty much exactly what I said you did…….

            ” You will notice that the fitter you become, the more self-confident you
            will become. Even if you never get to the point where you look like a
            jacked beefcake, the act of improving yourself will confer huge
            psychological benefits. Working out on its own may be enough to cure
            shyness in many people.”

            The fact is being fit did not reduce my shyness at all.So you don’t have the answers it seems.And as I said, the mental health fraternity do not agree with your assertion that shyness is always curable.

            “People with AvPD can improve social awareness and skills, but with
            deep-seated feelings of inferiority and significant social fear, these
            patterns usually do not change dramatically. Antidepressants sometimes
            are prescribed for AvPD.[31]”

            The words “usually do not change dramatically” pretty much translates to “shyness does not go away” in these individuals.
            But, then again, your a pot smoking hippie, so maybe you know better than they do?

          • ben

            Bottom line is, the condition is incurable.Nothing you say or assert changes that.I know for a unquestionable fact that not one thing on your list will result in any change to shyness or self confidence.i’ve done everything on that list for years on end,save the hypnotherapy, and it did absolute jack shit.I’m shyer now than when i was 12.If anything I’ve gotten worse over time,after doing all the working out and talking to thousands of strangers,forcing myself to go to parties where everyone there is a stranger to me.Forcing myself to do embarrassing things and things that make me fear embarrasment in order to become accustomed to and not fear embarrassment.the fact remains in all made no difference whatsoever.You can babble shit galore to your readers about how you are the miracle curer,have the magical answers that nobody else has.That you have cures that the people who spent 8 years at university and 30 years in the field do not have.
            I’m going to start my own blog about how FOS Michael suede is, that his ideas and concepts are a crock of frog shit,and how he is incompetent and promotes shit that does SFA for his poor saps of followers.
            The people stupid enough to visit your pages can find out for themselves what a load of shit you are………….Keep lying to them untill your hearts content.Make them waste their money on pot and “bootcamps” and “hypnotherapy” and whatever other wank factor 12 shit you can throw at them.
            I’m signing out.Thanks for sweet fuck all, dumbshit……

          • ben

            And just for the record, I wont ever be overcoming my shyness, whether possible or not,it wont be happening.I,m staying single for life,end of story.I went this long without, I’m sure I can go the rest without.All the other dumb shits can raise kids, be broke,get woken up 3 times a night,argue with their stupid wife,listen to her snore,watch her get uglier by the day.Being shy is a blessing in disguise.I should have cut my dick and balls off the day I turned 13 and done myself a huge favour……

          • ben

            You make the assumption,that because you had success at overcoming shyness,all others may have the same success.What you do not realise is that all human brains respond very differently,are wired very differently.Some people can learn a task in 1 minute,another may take 30 years.Some people can master classical music in 2 years,another takes 2 years to tie his shoelace.We still know very little about human emotion and the human brain.This idea that you can rewire the brain to be whatever or however you want it is an outright crock of shit.The brain plasticity you speak of is bullshit also.The degree of plasticity in the adult brain is absolutely miniscule compared to that of a developing child.What occurs in childhood can not be replicated in adulthood.You cannot acheive in adulthood what occurs to the brain in childhood.We know this,because the single strongest predictor of skill aquisition is the age at which the individual starts learning,not the type or time spent learning.A 10 year old who practices playing guitar will be much better at it than a 30 year old who practices for 5 years.In fact if the 10 year old practiced untill they were 20, their skill level would eclipse anything the 30 year old could acheive, even if their practice was maintained for the duration of life.So their you have it.The grown up brain is substantially constrained whichever way you look at it.Rewiring the brain in a crock……
            Ever heard the adages,can’t teach an old dog new tricks,Leopards don’t change their spots etc. etc……

          • ben

            Just what do you think will work then? Going out and socializing acheives nothing.I spend at least 15 hours a week out at social events,and there is no way to increase that amount.As it is I have no time to eat or sleep.I already do minimum 2 hours of excercise a day, I typically have 500+ hours of work to do annually outside of my normal 45 hour a week job.I’ve been doing work that would make that guys bullshit workout look like a teddybears picknick. I would be going half a mile backwards if I were to adopt that exercise regime.I’ve done shit that makes that crap look like a game of lawn bowls.
            Guess what,I’m still way too shy to approach women.So from that we conclude that their is no point in focusing on workouts,for if workouts worked, I would not be on this topic.Correct, yes?
            So,tell me,aside from workouts, what will reduce shyness?
            Oh,and repeatedly going up to women and doing stupid shit just results in a continued cycle of anxiety each time.So that doesn’t work either.
            What else is in your bag of tricks…..

          • Brenden Kaemmer

            Heres the thing dude, the pickup community has sold you a bullshit view on approaching women. Lots of guys end up where you are because they think approaching is enough. They end up lonely, confused and worse off than when they started. To get this, you really need to fully explore who you are and ask yourself some hard questions everyday. You need to figure out who you are, what you really value, what love and relationships mean to you, what is attractive to you, what is unattractive to you, etc. Write it all down, and then keep writing more. Explore into your thoughts and discover what is holding you back, and then just DO whatever it takes to get over it.

            After you’ve done that, you need to stop thinking so much about “approaches” and going out, and just start learning to connect with people, person to person. This isn’t about saying stupid outlandish shit to push your comfort zone or any of the hyped ass bullshit in the community. This is about YOU and your connection with other people and yourself. Start with practicing in the mirror, say hello, and when you’re out and see a beautiful girl, just walk and up and say “Hello, I’m Ben.” If you shit your pants, just leave and really feel that feeling and understand it’s just that: A feeling, nothing more. Get functional, be totally normal, and keep at it and you will have success it’s impossible for you not to. On top of that, if you have REAL social anxiety, don’t be shy about it, find ways to be open about it, be open about everything, and eventually you’ll just start to realize you’re worth a shit and you have “massive value” just because you’re YOU.

            Want to know how to make a connection.. It’s called Rapport Cycling:

            Oh, and Drew Baye’s pussy workout is 100x more effective than any endless bullshit workouts you’re doing. Ever heard of overtraining? Maybe that has something to do with your stress levels.

          • ben

            Back to the work out thing again, I am in better shape than Drew Baye.Working out it not an answer to social difficulty,introversion, lack of assertiveness, shyness or any of the other problems that stop people from succeeding with dating.Nor is being physically healthy.I am physically in impeccable shape,yet good looking women look upon me with disgust.Being healthy does not reduce or eliminate shyness.Stop focusing on diet or exercise.These are NOT answers to getting good with women.

          • ben

            Of all the people I know who are good with women,none of them work out, and probably half of them have a good diet…..

          • Nephilim

            I’d like to offer my opinion that I believe can help. I used to have a very shallow perspective on women. I mostly valued them by their appearance and confidence. I wanted the sexiest, most confident women, and I even asked a petite, sexy latina on a date in front of people where she worked as a tailor, despite the fact that I’m way taller than her. She was interested but I got in trouble at work and moved away so I never saw her again. However, it was a blessing in disguise. My relationship with her would have been doomed because it was purely physical. I’m dark and charming, but only an old fashioned, sweetly submissive woman is compatible with me, and she was the flirty, sociable type. It wouldn’t have lasted, and the next few women that I dated, all gorgeous, were not compatible with me. Until I realized that a sweet, less assertive woman is my type, because I’m assertive and charming, sex and validation was all that women could offer me. However, I realized that a woman who is loyal, healthy, and caring is capable of, and willing to pursue, a far deeper connection with me, despite her sexual inexperience, because I offer what she needs and she offers what I need. She offers a vulnerable sweetness that I adore and enjoy enthralling. I offer a comforting, yet assertive and seductive companionship. All women have a sex drive, but security is a major concern, and if all you care about is getting laid, then money can probably remedy that. Getting laid takes the edge off, but if you are not capable or interested in appreciating a woman’s needs, or cognizant of exactly what your best traits are, then I’d suggest asking God for spiritual guidance instead of tips on how to meet random skanks at bars. I’m happier now that I’m monogamous, compared to when all I cared about was sex. I truly needed a woman who satisfied me sexually and emotionally, both valid needs. Being self-centered, desperate, emotionally absent, and uncommitted is not attractive, so if you want to engage women, then be realistic about what you offer. Money, sex, devotion, security, playful flattery, intellectual stimulation? Don’t be afraid to browse dating sites to find a woman who might be compatible. I married the woman of my dreams who I thought couldn’t exist, and we ironically met on a cheesy dating site. I’ve also dated other women who I met online, and after connecting conversationally, I had the drive to pursue them successfully. I hope that you can address your emotional struggles, but the flesh is weak, and I truly offer my advice that God can heal what quack doctors cannot. Good luck, and take care.

          • ben

            Thanks for the advice.I kinda already described the kind of outcome I got from dating sites.So unless I settle for someone I have virtually no physical or sexual attraction to,then I will never meet anyone on a dating site.
            As far as prostitutes, ones that would fulfill my definition of attractive are like rocking horse droppings.I have rarely seen an attractive prostitute in my life.It is my experience that beautiful people do not accept payment for sex,full stop.
            As far as the god thing,I am not particularly religious, but you are probably right that it would take an act of god to fix what is wrong with me……..

          • Nephilim

            There are some gorgeous high priced escorts. Many are current or former models, but they are pricey and may require some sort of intrusive screening. Odd thing is a former roommate of mine had the same problem as you and even though he refused my youthful advice to go to strip clubs, drink whiskey, or shoot a gun to break his comfort zone, he eventually met a compatible woman and now they are engaged. He was a sheltered rich guy who even stopped a desperate housewife he met at a bar from fucking him on her couch, not because she was unattractive, but because he was shy. He even slept in the same bed as his dates and couldn’t even attempt intercourse. I thought that he was hopeless, but he’s engaged and living with her at age 29, probably lost his virginity to her a few years ago. I think that we all have personal struggles in life, and acknowledging them is actually a great sign of progress. Some people can’t admit their frailties and never overcome them, but the fact that you understand yours is a credit to your self awareness. Your predicament actually reminds me a little bit of myself a few years ago. I had almost giving up on finding a woman worth loving, and was planning on just sleeping with hot sluts who found me attractive. Almost immediately after dumping a hot slut who treated me bad, and discovering the song, “Sleepwalking past hope,” by HIM, I found the perfect match for myself. It’s weird, but sometimes that’s how life works out. Our answers come after we’ve exhausted all of our capacity. It’s a great song, and Ville Valo is probably the world’s best lyric writer, considering his catalogue. Check it out if gothic metal inspires you, as it does many.

          • ben

            I checked out that guy.Tried some of his tips on how to stop caring about what others think.His tecniques had no effect whatsoever.After doing exactly what he said,I just felt the same concern about what others think.Doing what he said acheived nothing.

          • fred

            What the fuck would that guy know.His tecniques dont even work,just like yours.Just another wanker.

          • penny

            Fuck that guy,he’s full of shit……

          • Michael

            I actually asked that guy and he said you would have to approach between 5000 and 10000 women to stop feeling nervous about doing it.
            So,really, even he admitted that theres no way a shy person will become confident in a year or two.He also described overcoming fear of judgement as extremely difficult to do,as opposed to your account that it can be acheived quickly by anyone.

          • penny

            The other 90% clearly aint gonna do shit either, sunshine.

          • I can sympathize. This was me in an earlier time. You’re expecting too much from people. You’re expecting them to have something interesting to say or engage you in a conversation that has depth and meaning. This will almost never happen with women. The more inane and pointless you can make the conversation, the better they will respond.

            You should be completely self-amusing. Sit there and make faces. Hold your breath. Yell a mono-tone musical note. Throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care. etc.. etc.. Just be a general idiot that’s making himself happy by saying and doing stupid shit.

            Some of that shit will work and some won’t. The point is to be happy while you are doing it. The point is to make yourself happy because you are doing it.

          • Brenden Kaemmer

            I agree, but at some point for your own sanity you’re going to have to connect with her. This is where knowing your values and everything about yourself becomes key. At the end of the day, most of us are in this because we want THAT girl.

            I find its best to just be perfectly normal, be as open about sex and relationships as you can be, talk to women about those things, make dumb jokes, talk about your lives. Make those connections, become that guy that is just sexual, seductive, and fun.

            If you feel something, express it. Your expression is attractive simply because it comes from you. The only way to be successful in this is to be honest with yourself and those around you about what you want, what you like, and who you are.

            Everybody can talk all day about sex, good memories, relationships, ambitions, love, dreams, Practice in the mirror 30 minutes a day talking in a confident and attractive way about those things or anything. A musician practices their instrument, you need to practice your social ability. Figure out how your face works, figure out eye contact, figure out delivery. Become functional with communication.

            Also Ben, you cant let yourself be “too busy” for things as important as weightlifting, saying hello to strangers, practicing in the mirror, eating healthy. If you want something, you have to give it everything. It is the best thing for your health besides always choosing to cook at home with high quality ingredients.

            This speach from Robbie Kramer explains this better than I:

            Drew Baye has a great speech from the21convention on HIT, which in my opinion is the safest and most effective way to train and become healthy and strong.

            Listen to this, take notes and adapt it to what you have available, and always take time to do it. It only takes 30 minutes once or twice a week. You will live longer, you will be happier, and you will have never felt better. Its one hour that will change your whole mentality on exercise.

          • Nephilim

            Great site, Michael. As far as content, access to information, and posting capabilities, it’s my highest rated site.

          • jenny

            My highest rating site LOL. What a crock of shit.Nice try Michael Suede

          • ben

            So shy people should just walk up to hot women,sit down and start making a monotonous humming sound.That is the advice you have?
            I’m entirely certain guys that do that will become absolute guns at picking up women……..

          • fred

            How bout this.If picking up women involves talking to them,why not just admit you dont enjoy conversation with women and accept that people who dont enjoy each others company should not be partners,sexual or otherwise?
            Why try to fundamentally change who you are as a person to suit the tastes of someone else?If women like confident men who talk a lot,let them be with them.
            I accept that my personality type does not suit the tastes of women.Stiff shit for them.I dont change what i am to suit them.Would they change themselves to suit me?of course not.
            The whole game of dating is a load of horse shit.Men and women are inherently incompatible on every conceivable level.I dont want or need a fucking date,sex or a partner.Fuck picking up women.They can go walk a plank for all i could give a shit.

          • penny

            I’m happy just sitting there like a normal person,thanks very much.If picking up women involves looking and behaving like and absolute moron,I’ll pass………
            I didn’t realise you had to be a stupid moron to get a girlfriend.Considering this,girlfriends are not for me.

        • ben

          The thing is,everything about what you say is wrong.You say just practising talking to strangers and saying “the weather sure is nice today” will lead to overcoming shyness.Do u have any idea how many times I made pointless bullshit smalltalk to strangers or attractive people? Did i become any less shy as a result? Absolutely not.Did it lead to me becoming a better conversationalist?No.I really don’t know how you formulate your ideas,but they have little basis in reality.

        • penny

          There is no cycle of anxiety, only you and your choices.

          What a complete load of frog shit.Your telling me that hating talking to someone one day,then going away, coming back and talking to them again and still hating it is not a cycle? What the flying frypan is it,hmmm?
          So if I feel the same anxiety after talking to 1000 strangers as I did after talking to the first,that is not a cycle.Just something I chose?
          Well I’ll be fucked.You learn something everyday……..

      • Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

        Getting insulted is part of the process. It’s like forging a stronger piece of steel by beating the slag out of it with a hammer.

        I got insulted by some lower class girls the other night when I hit on them. Obviously it’s not a pleasant experience, but I’m still alive. I still have a job. I still have a roof over my head. I still have a vehicle to drive myself around in.

        • holly

          If it didn’t impact your life one bit,why was it an unpleasant experience? the fact is you were degraded by the lower class girls and it impacted your self esteem weather you admit it or not.Otherwise it would not have been described as unpleasant.

  • Nick Williams

    I think this is all good advice. But I am NOT cutting death metal out of my life.

    • ben

      It’s actually useless advice.Nothing suggested in this article will have any effect on confidence around women.Sorry,but thats the reality.
      Its apparent nobody is even bothering to comment any longer.I dont think any one even gives a rats behind about this article.

    • daniel

      It wouldn’t matter whether you cut it out or not……….

  • bob

    You see,this comments section is censured.The reason being the operator of the blog is not interested in considering other peoples opinion.Only that which suits his personal beliefs is allowed to remain.Their is no real point or purpose to having this comments section, as the operator clearly is not interested in other peoples opinion.Only his own.The operator is what is known generically as “a retard” ( someone who has no clue what they are talking about) Other terminology includes the words dumb ass, drop kick and dumb cunt.Who the fuck would prescribe marijuana, of all fucking things, to treat depression? A fucking idiot.That’s who.That shit has to be the most de-motivating substance on the face of the earth,not to mention it essentially quadruples ones degree of introversion.If your gonna be using that shit, you can outright forget about overcoming your shyness.
    As far as hypnotherapy, it is generally not used as a treatment for shyness or social anxiety.
    Exercise regiments? Why are muscular and fit guys just as likely to be shy as bookworms?Could it be that body type or shape have nothing to do with the development of social anxiety? Yes.
    This article absolutely reeks of incompetence,and the author would be doing any potential reader a disservice by maintaining the availability of this literature.I implore him to reconsider his own suitability as a mental health adviser, and pursue topics for which he is qualified to provide useful advice,lest he bring undue harm to his readers who may mistake him ramblings for good advice.

  • sebastian

    This article is all lies and bullshit,and the author knows it.He can delete my posts all he likes,but in doing so he makes an outright admission that he can’t help overcome shyness,because all he can do is delete the evidence that hus crap doesn’t work.He can’t face that reality and so deletes the evidence pertaining to the failure of his tecniques
    Michael Suede is an outright fraud.Sorry folks….

  • Anthony R Plouffe

    Im a guy that does talk to attractive women, not hot hot George use but that attractive kind you feel like u have a shot with and Isnt below that line. I succeed in the intro of conversation but seem to run out of something to talk about that doesn’t seem like I’m jumping from topic to topic. It’s like she is being kind to hear me out and add a little to the convo but doesn’t bring anything to it unless I ask her opinion or a strait out question of somekind. I feel like I don’t have much to talk about and don’t really know how to stir the mood to know if she is into me or not. This is usually never in a bar cuz I’m looking for ppl outside that environment. The environment of this story is at a hotel and she’s the clirk at the desk. I stay at the same hotel for work during the week. I conversate with her at least once a week but every convo is the same way, just keep running out of stuff to talk about and now I feel like I’m annoying her or that she really isn’t into me.

    • Yeah, this is normal and happens to lots of men. You’re the norm rather than the exception. The short answer is you really have to let go of your ego and think about flirting and having fun. It’s like learning to skateboard. At first you will suck, but if you keep trying long enough, eventually you’ll get good.

      I would recommend reading a book called “The Game” followed by a book called “The Mystery Method” – then go to YouTube and watch some of the RSD videos, particularly the in-field footage.

      The two lines of thoughts you should be thinking are, how can I make this conversation fun and how can I make this arousing.

      • Anthony R Plouffe

        Can u post the YouTube links of a few that show really good, in the field, aproach’s to everyday women? I’ve searched and yes there are some good vids but they explain things in the party scene and of course women that r out to party act differently than say a woman that is out shopping or just walking on the sidewalk. I’m interested in real life circumstances without alcohol. P.s.>>>meeting women off of dating sites is pointless cuz at that point it’s like 90% looks and doesn’t matter how polite u r, lots of them just don’t respond.